Loss, Light, Love
I do my best to try to speak from my own experiences, and this one pulls on my heartstrings. Today, I am taking some time to talk about something that was by far my most challenging chapter yet. It is, however, one that I felt I needed to share.
Content Warning: This blog post is about Suicide.
The #1 cause of death in Australia for 15-44-year-old’s is suicide.
Living through the experience I’m about to speak into is a big part of why I’ve chosen the journey I’m on; To heal, strengthen and re-empower others. When I say it pulls on my heartstrings, I genuinely mean that it tugs on a piece of me that’s seeded deep within my soul.
I know I’ve lived through this experience to be able to share this story. I fell into an intense level of depression as a teenager, and I wanted to share what took me to that place, and what has pulled me through it.
My journey was born from the passing of my best friend: my beautiful soul sister, Danie Fitzgerald.
Danie is with me now in spirit as I write this, and as much as my eyes well with gratitude for her vibrant energy being here guiding me as I write, I wish she were here in person. To be in Danie’s company, would be a way to experience first hand her endeavour to light you up! Everyone enjoyed being I her company, but Danie and I had an extraordinary bond; our other girlfriends would joke and say Danie had a girl crush on me (despite having a boyfriend).
Danie would always be the first to tell me how beautiful I was, how amazing I was, how sexy my curves were. She would always make me feel like a million bucks, actually a trillion bucks! And my gosh didn’t Danie make us all laugh! I had the pleasure of knowing Danie from a very young age; I’m talking back in the day when we’d pretend (mostly Danie) that we were animals, we’d play shop, and she was at many of my birthdays during primary school.
There was a secretive sombre side to her which came out in rebellious behaviours; unfortunately, Danie would always somehow find herself in trouble, and sometimes that was with the law. She would pickpocket and steal from local businesses; she once took her dad’s car without permission and crashed it, allowing her dad to believe it was stolen; however, the truth came out eventually. Danie had politeness about her that was unique and light-spirited; and then, as if a switch had been flicked, would change into a crazy nutter! But this made her, her!
And to be completely truthful, none of us would have changed her; we just wish she had of told us what was going on.
Danie had been in trouble with the police for small silly things that she would do, although sometimes she would get into trouble for someone else, taking the blame to protect them. The last time she caused some problems, the local police came down on her, hard. They were threatening her—a 19-year-old, vibrant, young woman—with jail time.
We know now that this would never have happened; they were just attempting the scare tactics they’d been conditioned to believe would work. This scare tactic is what, I believe, led Danie to her decision to take her own life. The police have support from a power structure that has been in place for years, and in a small town, they have a lot of influence combined with that. Scaring a young woman and threatening jail time is not okay; it’s an absolute deliberate abuse of power. Using this level of fear, pushed her to her death. Danie’s story of feeling alone and of powerlessness within herself wore down her resilience and killed her.
There’s always a lot more at play than just one single incident, but that does not take away from the influence that single predicament and pressure had on a young woman. As her friend, I saw that Danie had just turned 19, and many of her closest friends and boyfriend had all moved interstate to chase dreams, and Danie stayed behind. Danie was so ashamed for being herself; she acted out as she acted for attention, and now she had the court date coming up.
None of us were fully aware of what was going on. Danie, nor any of us, had the tools and knowledge to identify the red flags that would have hinted at where her mind was going.
I had visited our small coastal town two weeks prior, helping her pack and write a resume so she could move to be with us. Evelyn and I were living on the Gold Coast at this time and in our exciting new world, ready for Danie to join us. I didn’t see the flags, and Danie could not see a way out. She decided within herself to spread her wings and left her physical body forever, Danie’s body was found by her father on their home property, hanging from a tree. Her soul was set free again.
Personally, for me being 19, this was the hardest thing I’d ever gone through. Before this, I only ever knew of death to be an older person or a freak accident.
Over the coming decade, I faced waves of healing the grief, guilt, shame, anger and extreme sadness I felt over the loss of my best friend. Through this process, I started to see the light. Now I make it a conscious decision in every moment to live a happier, more grateful life. I have been witness to the potential effects of sadness, self-sabotage and aloneness can do, and I chose to start loving myself more fully because Danie always did.
Now I get to live life for the two of us. Every day I miss my best friend, and I’d give anything to have a jimmy and puff a joint with her, her battle with the darkness took her from us. It was one of the hardest things I’ve been through. My Danie girl inspires me every day to continue to show up. She is always with me, and here is a brief story of how I know she is!
A few years ago, I was attending her brother's 40th birthday. Evelyn, my Bestie was at work, so her partner Richard and I headed out to where the party was being held.
To cut a very long and funny story, we got lost, we then got bogged! Stuck out in the middle of nowhere, no reception on our phones, pitch-black all around us, unfamiliar territory; we start walking. Good thing we had beers!
We’re walking and walking and walking in the pitch black. It didn’t help that my night sight is shocking, and Richard's hearing is even worse. We are entirely lost. I chose instead of my natural freak out state, to ask out loud, “Danie, be with me now, get us to this party.”
I kid you not, within a minute or two I started to hear something, I can’t tell you exactly what it was, but I knew I had to follow it. Richard couldn't hear a thing and said I was crazy. I asked him to trust me. I said, “ It’s coming from over here.”
Starting to assume I’m slightly hallucinating from not being able to see clearly in the dark for so long, I grab Richard by the arm and say walk. We continue to walk in pitch black, with only his eyes and my hearing. Soon after, Richard thinks he can see something, and we both then see a fire! I start running wildly. We run into the middle of Morgans 40th birthday! It’s hugs and laughter all round as Richard and I share the adventure we’d just been on. Luckily the boys loved that we were bogged and decided it was best for 10 of us jump in the bag of a ute and go on another adventure to get the van out!
This is just one story of many that for me, confirms our soulmates never leave us.
I know deep down Danie’s story is what inspires me to live my life every day and to help others, I know she was a beautiful soul who shared a lesson not just to me but to many.
Show love; Be love; and Speak up, even when your voice shakes.
Losing someone you love is so hard; the grief, guilt, shame, deep sadness and a long list of emotions that I felt, carried me through some of the most challenging years of my life have now turned into strengths for me and those I share my gifts with.
I share this story out of compassion for Danie’s family and friends, her partner George, who also Rests in Peace after he too took his life years after Danie’s passing. I pray for his children that he went on to have; and for her niece and nephews that will never have the opportunity to meet her.
Danie Girl, you’re my biggest inspiration, my muse and my angel, every day I know you’re with me as a blackbird in the night sky, you’re always there; always on my mind and forever in my heart.
Please if you’re struggling with your mental health Please reach out or call these hotlines. You do not need to suffer and you do not need to suffer alone.
Beyond Blue - 1300 137 934
R U OK? - 1800 011 046
Lifeline - 13 11 14
Suicide line - 1300 659 467
Mens Line - 1300 78 99 78
Suicide Callback Service - 1300 659 467
National Redress Scheme - 1800 737 377
Disability Support Queensland - 1800 173 349
Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander CommunityControlled Health Services by state:
Australian Capital Territory, Winnunga Nimmityjah Aboriginal Health Service (AHS)
Originally written with permission from Danie’s family. 19/01/2019